Mantra

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I need to claim this scripture as my mantra. 

Anxiety is beginning to consume me.

I have been in this place before a couple of times in my few 27 years.

 (Oh man, Ill be 28 soon, here comes the anxiety.)

It is hard. Being in my head all day is hard.

In 60 seconds I can think about how,

I am trying to loose my baby weight (from Jack, child number one may I add) and am doing okay but stuck at a plateau (anxiety). Will it ever come off? 

and about how,

I recently went out with a friend, actually two different friends on two different occasions. We discussed life, as you do when your with friends, I had to hold back the tears a majority of the time. (Anxiety creeps in because I am discussing life. Life is hard, sometimes overwhelming.) I am sure my face gets squishy and distorted. I know the person across from me is wondering if I am okay, wondering why I look as though I may throw up at any moment. It is because I am anxious.

And speaking of friends, I don't have many. I know it is quality not quantity. (I am blessed and have a few of the best friends a girl could ask for but, we are grown. We have jobs, and families. and they have friends of their own and I well get anxious.) 

It has always been this way for me,  I don't take risks because I worry. I worry about venturing out and not having that relationship work. Or if Ill say something dumb. I worry about the time it keeps me from my family. Or if my other friends will feel left out.

 I worry about everything. It keeps me from connecting with most people. 

And then,

I am anxious about not going above and beyond in school and work. 

I need to be perfect in the whatever class that I am taking a year from now and need to prepare somehow like 5 minutes ago or Ill never graduate. 

(Stress, more stress)

My home needs to be clean, more like pristine to perfection. 

I will (and have) scrub my textured walls until my hands bleed for that moment the UPS man brings a package by and looks in my living room for a millisecond. 

Heaven forbid he sees the finger prints on my walls. 

(Which lets be honest, you know he wouldn't even notice anyway.)

I think of how I aim for perfection. 

I must be the perfect wife, mother, daughter and friend. 

(Bring on the anxiety)

Oh and then,

I struck out while at bat at the softball game Friday. (Potential ulcer right there)

And I would never let myself forget that

Jack needs to know how to read at a 4th grade level. (He is only in kindergarten.)

Max needs to sleep through the night.

Lucy needs to have her manners turned on at all times.

(If this doesn't happen I may die.)

It is getting worse. Sometimes I think it may consume me.

For what? What is it all for? 

Why would I carry all this with me. Daily?

I am of the world.

 I am anxious.

I am OCD

I am a perfectionist.

I am a daughter of the One True King

Mantra:

Be anxious for nothing, pray for everything.

Again,

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer 

Pray.

It is so simple. 

Thank The Lord it is simple.

 I need simple.

No, this does not fix everything. 

No, I am not perfect.  

No, Ill never have the perfect job.

Or be a size 4

Ill never be a perfect wife, mother, or daughter.

And chances are pretty high I strike out again.

But...

I pray, I pray that

The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my hearts and mind through Christ Jesus.

I take comfort in this.

And already I am feeling slightly less anxious.

And I pray, this time with thanks.