Pure Joy

*** Warning, this is one of the longest post's if not the longest post I will ever write. But I ask you to please take the time to read it anyway! 

(It is on my blog too but I knew I had a better chance of you reading it here).

Joy is possible only when we have the right perspective of life.

One of my very favorite moments in this life are those when I am reminded of Gods glory and the wonderfulness that is Christ so overwhelmingly that my body tingles, and I want to smile and cry and sing and worship all at the same time. It is in these moments that I wish so many of you, my family and friends were sitting with me.As I grew closer my Lord through the words of our pastor. I felt nothing but joy, peace, comfort and happiness. I wish it was something you could experience with me. I wanted so badly to have you there with me, I want you to know what I know and feel joy, and happiness that I felt because of this knowledge.

I need you to know in this life I have experienced horrible events, I have been betrayed, abused, and lied to. I have been depressed to extreme levels, seen things I dare not say out loud,and had paralyzing anxiety. To say life has been hard would be the understatement of the century. It is with all this that I say this, through all that I have been through and will go through in this life I WOULD DO IT ALL AGAIN, and again IN A HEART BEAT, BECAUSE I AM PART OF HIS PLAN. I know that every second and minute and hour is part of His flawless, perfect plan. I say this with pure conviction, pride and confidence that this hard life goes hand in hand with all that is wonderful, because it is all for His glory. You were not there with me today when I had this moment , so I feel lead to share with you some of what made me feel this way.

First I would like to share a quote from a book by M. Scott Peck. (The book is called, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth. It was published in 1978 and spent on The New York Times best seller list for over 20 years.) It says....

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

STOP. Please, and think about this.

Now please read this from Philippians 1: 12-26.

***Note, It is in this time that Paul an apostle of Christ has written a letter to the followers of Christ in a city called Philippi. Paul is writing from a prison where he is chained to a guard at all times. 24/7 he is attached to someone who loathes him and everything that he stands for. While he sleeps, eats, and uses the bathroom. His pride should at this point be gone. He has been tortured and humiliated. Would you agree this is a "hard" time in his life? I don't think it would take much for you to or I, in this situation to feel broken, betrayed, and broken. But as a man of God, having complete trust in his Maker and Captain he writes this letter of encouragement to those feeling as though they too are going through a hard time.....

12. Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. 13. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. 14. And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear. 15. It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. 16. The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. 17. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. 18. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice. Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19. for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23. I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24. but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26. so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

If you were not convicted, felt relieved, lighter, or like crying and laughing at the same time, that's okay! Click on this song, pray for conviction and read it again.

If it still didn't work, click on ----> this song, listen, pray for true happiness putting aside all ideas of what you have planned, and read it again.

If you still aren't there, third time is a charm right? click -------> O <-------, listen pray and repeat.

If still nothing, let HIM know.

If that doesn't work, let me know. I will come and get you, and hold your hand, and walk with you, if you promise to try until you feel your load is lighter, and you feel the unspeakable joy that can only be felt through knowing Christ, I will too.

I know that this life is ridiculously hard. I know that YOUR life is ridiculously hard. And that most of us experience events that make us doubt everything. 

BUT I am hoping, and praying more than ever that YOU will be with me one day. I want YOU to feel the kind of happiness that makes YOU smile so hard your face hurts, I want YOU to feel like YOU are going to burst, laugh, cry and scream all at the same time. This feeling is really indescribable! Even more so because I know what life is like without this feeling and I can promise YOU, it is not life. It just isn't!

If YOU have even an small desire to feel this feeling please let me know. I would be more than happy to help YOU!!! Just know that no matter what, I love YOU, because He loves us. And I will never stop wishing that you were next to me when I feel this feeling.

First Pre-school next President

 

It is amazing to me that I started writing this blog not long after Lucy was born.

I wanted to be able to document the big events that happen in our lives knowing they go by all to quickly.

Not long after I started writing Lucy's Papa wrote this post

http://ririerantings.blogspot.com/2010/11/from-papa-letter-to-my-baby-girl.html

Matt begged his little girl to stay little.

Long story short she has yet to listen.

And even worse we had to send her off to pre school this year.

It is so bitter sweet.

My little girl was made for school.

She loves to learn.

She is very smart.

and she is a social butterfly.

But she is also my little girl and I am not ready for her to start this new grown up phase of her life.

I know she is going to be a leader.

I pray that she is a good friend.

And a great example of one sweet little girl who knows the Lord.

I know she will be.

She is going to rock preschool this year. I just know it.

And I, ready or not will have to prepare my self to be the mother of one of the greatest female presidents we have ever known.

 

We take the kids out for a special before school lunch.

 Lucy chose to go to her favorite restaurant Chic-fil-a.



1st grader

We  made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich last night and packed it up in his brand new lunch box in preparation for the big day. 

We picked out  his American flag shirt ( because he loves America). 

And said out prayers. 

Praying that this big day that came all too soon would be amazing. 

First grade is here ready or not. 

It is at a new school. 

With two teachers. 

All day long. 

And to mix things up even more half the day is taught only in Chinese. 

It has come all too soon but it has come and gone. 

He faced the biggest day of his life like a Rockstar. 

(Even of he did get lost in the wrong class room for a minute)

He found his way with a little help to where he needed to be without being phased. 

He is really is a champion. 

Daddy picked him up and as he walked out zombie style ( not really sure what just happened). 

It took him only a couple minutes to tell papa how to say 18 in Chinese 

And that he should have bought lunch because they had nachos today. 

He is quite, a little shy, so kind, sweet and smart. 

He is also a first grader. 

I can't believe it. 

I have no doubt you will do amazing things my bug. 

Just lean on The Lord. He will lead you to amazing places. 

And while your at it ask him to be with your Mama. 

Time is going faster than I think I can handle.  

Ready or not (your ready Im not) lets she this first grade year who's boss. 

You've got this bug a rug.

Anxiety part 2

Do you remember that time I wrote about having an overwhelming amount of anxiety?

Well its still present but not as bad

(or more like just taking it one day at a time)

Two days after I wrote my post about anxiety Max got sick.

He was throwing up and had diarrhea. He wouldn't eat at all. 

He became lethargic, weak, and dehydrated.

After calling his pediatrician, they suggested we take him up to Primary Children's ER to check for dehydration.

We got up there and the Dr's came to the conclusion he was in fact dehydrated. 
They decided to put in an IV but decided to give him some Zofran (nausea medication) and see if he would eat on his own first. 
After 45 min of drinking the Zofran he drank 4 ounces of Pedialite. 
So they sent us home with a prescription.
He ate that night but by the next day was back to his old self.
I called his pediatricians office again. They just said to syringe him fluids as much as I could. 
So I did.
And 5 ml at a time he at 3 ounce total the whole night. 
It was so hard because every time I gave him a syringe of fluid he would fight. 
And when he was done fighting he was beyond exhausted.
He wasn't my happy baby. Something was wrong. 
So that morning back to Primary's we went.
This time right away they gave him an IV.
They pushed fluids for 40 min but he still wouldn't eat. 
We tried popsicle's, and slurpees, but he still wouldn't eat.
So after 6 hours and an IV still in his arm they decided to keep him over night.
I was so scared, I wanted my baby to be okay.
But you know what, I had no anxiety.
None.
I turned it over to the Lord.
I knew my Max was in his hands. 
It was really that easy. 
This was huge and it was The Lords.
The plan was to keep Max on IV fluids till 6 am and then take his IV and hope he would eat.
He slept a little.
Was checked up on a lot. 
And threw up everywhere about 1:30 am.
But 6 o'clock came.
And his IV came out. 
And he was weak but getting stronger.
But noon he was tired but over all a whole new kid. 
He had color back in his cheeks.
He was wiggly.
He was smiley.
He was ready to go home. 
Just like that.
So we did. And Oh.My.Gosh.
We were beyond thankful. There are no words.
The Dr. figured Max had a stomach bug and 4 new teeth try to get the best of him that week

What a lesson. I can turn over the "big" things like nobody's business but 
when I don't have all the laundry done I have a total breakdown never once thinking to turn to Him.

I didn't need nor want my baby to get sick but how great is our God to remind me that big or small he has my back and my Max.

Everything I know I learned in...

Do you know the answer to this question? 

If not Ill tell you, its kindergarten. 

True? Maybe!

But I do know that Jack is a little smarty pants and not a kindergartner anymore. 

I am so proud of him. 

We had some challenges this year but overall he (as he always does) blew me away.

He is such a special kid.

He is reading at a 2nd grand level right now.

Loves to know everything about everything.

And can count until you stop him.

I am not so thrilled to have a soon to be 1st grader

but

more than thrilled to see this guy grow and learn for many years to come.

Mantra

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

I need to claim this scripture as my mantra. 

Anxiety is beginning to consume me.

I have been in this place before a couple of times in my few 27 years.

 (Oh man, Ill be 28 soon, here comes the anxiety.)

It is hard. Being in my head all day is hard.

In 60 seconds I can think about how,

I am trying to loose my baby weight (from Jack, child number one may I add) and am doing okay but stuck at a plateau (anxiety). Will it ever come off? 

and about how,

I recently went out with a friend, actually two different friends on two different occasions. We discussed life, as you do when your with friends, I had to hold back the tears a majority of the time. (Anxiety creeps in because I am discussing life. Life is hard, sometimes overwhelming.) I am sure my face gets squishy and distorted. I know the person across from me is wondering if I am okay, wondering why I look as though I may throw up at any moment. It is because I am anxious.

And speaking of friends, I don't have many. I know it is quality not quantity. (I am blessed and have a few of the best friends a girl could ask for but, we are grown. We have jobs, and families. and they have friends of their own and I well get anxious.) 

It has always been this way for me,  I don't take risks because I worry. I worry about venturing out and not having that relationship work. Or if Ill say something dumb. I worry about the time it keeps me from my family. Or if my other friends will feel left out.

 I worry about everything. It keeps me from connecting with most people. 

And then,

I am anxious about not going above and beyond in school and work. 

I need to be perfect in the whatever class that I am taking a year from now and need to prepare somehow like 5 minutes ago or Ill never graduate. 

(Stress, more stress)

My home needs to be clean, more like pristine to perfection. 

I will (and have) scrub my textured walls until my hands bleed for that moment the UPS man brings a package by and looks in my living room for a millisecond. 

Heaven forbid he sees the finger prints on my walls. 

(Which lets be honest, you know he wouldn't even notice anyway.)

I think of how I aim for perfection. 

I must be the perfect wife, mother, daughter and friend. 

(Bring on the anxiety)

Oh and then,

I struck out while at bat at the softball game Friday. (Potential ulcer right there)

And I would never let myself forget that

Jack needs to know how to read at a 4th grade level. (He is only in kindergarten.)

Max needs to sleep through the night.

Lucy needs to have her manners turned on at all times.

(If this doesn't happen I may die.)

It is getting worse. Sometimes I think it may consume me.

For what? What is it all for? 

Why would I carry all this with me. Daily?

I am of the world.

 I am anxious.

I am OCD

I am a perfectionist.

I am a daughter of the One True King

Mantra:

Be anxious for nothing, pray for everything.

Again,

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer 

Pray.

It is so simple. 

Thank The Lord it is simple.

 I need simple.

No, this does not fix everything. 

No, I am not perfect.  

No, Ill never have the perfect job.

Or be a size 4

Ill never be a perfect wife, mother, or daughter.

And chances are pretty high I strike out again.

But...

I pray, I pray that

The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard my hearts and mind through Christ Jesus.

I take comfort in this.

And already I am feeling slightly less anxious.

And I pray, this time with thanks.

Memorial Day

I have never put much though into Memorial Day.

I'm sure that's bad to say.

I get a day off work, and usually a burger, so all in all its a okay by way of being a holiday in my book.

Today I got a different outlook.

We watched a short video in church, as we usually do for a holiday.

I like the videos.

They usually get the point across more than someone just speaking.

 I guess to get something to hit home I need a visual.

(Although I'm not sure what exactly in it sparked my way of thinking.) 

Todays video was footage of soldiers fighting.

It spoke of sacrifice and our freedom.

Both I know I take for granted.  

I don't know too many men or women personally who have fought or are fighting now but I do know some.

While sitting there I started to think of the soldiers and their wives, children mothers and fathers.

I couldn't imagine going months with out seeing your son, daughter, husband, wife, mother or father.

Knowing they are where the are but doubting their safety.

Seeing and doing the unspeakable.

Or those men or women who are fighting now at 18, 19, and 20.

They are so young to be doing something so brave.

I don't think I could ever be brave in that way.  

My father passed away March 4, 2012.

He was 66 years old.

He died in a Days Inn Motel. Alone.

The official reason he died is unknown.

We do know he drank.

He drank a lot. So much so his body quit on him.

He was an alcoholic.

He made some pretty horrible decisions in his life. A lot of the contributing to his death and the fact that he died alone.

When my father passed away I didn't have any sort of relationship with him.

I didn't want to.

My mind was completely closed to any sort of compassion or understanding to the way he lived his life or the choices he made.

Today I still don't agree with a lot of the things he did but I feel the Lord has opened my heart a little.

I never thought I would be but I am thankful.

When my father was 17 years old he joined the United States Navy.

He set out to war. The Vietnam War to be exact.

Not sure if you are picking up what I am throwing down but just in case Ill repeat myself.

WAR!

We are talking guns, blood, death.

I'm sure in my wildest dreams I couldn't even begin to imagine what that was like.

From 1962 - 1966 my dad served on the U.S.Ranger

(When I was 17, I worked at retail store and was graduating high school.

And believe me life was "hard" by way of an immature girl standards.)

He, like so many others as 17 and was fighting for his life.

(for me understanding and compassion have started to sink in)

After my dad came home he got married an had 3 kids.

He drank. He made some bad choices. He left.

He got married again, he had 2 sons. He drank. He made some bad decisions. He left.

Then he married my mom. He drank. And didn't drink. And drank again.

Then my little brother and I were born. He drank when were really little and then he stopped.

And then he was a good dad (kind of).

He played with us. And spoiled us. 

He worked hard.

We went to Disneyland quite a few times.

And as I got older we would play basketball outside for hours.

I was young, naïve and pretty darn happy.

Ill even go as for to say that I loved him.

When I was 15 that world ended.

 He started drinking again and did some pretty unspeakable things.

He then went to prison for 4 years.

I never thought I would understand why he did all the horrible things he did or why he abandoned 7 children who desperately needed a father.

I still don't, and am sure I never will.

But I feel I have a better understanding as to why he drank.

I am not sure when exactly but I know my dad was diagnosed with PTSD.

An article posted at www.physiologicallytoday.com defines PTSD as

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that may develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which severe physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or unnatural disasters, accidents, or military combat. 

It continue on to say,

Roughly 30 percent of Vietnam veterans developed PTSD. The disorder also has been detected in as many as 10% of Gulf War (Desert Storm) veterans, about 6% to 11% of veterans of the Afghanistan war, and about 12% to 20% of veterans of the Iraq war.

30 %??

This statistic is staggering.

I know this is why he drank. I know this is why he left time after time.

I hate it.

Why has this never hit me before?

I couldn't imagine having to deal with the images and sounds of war replaying over and over in my mind.

My father was a Vietnam Veteran who suffered for 45 years with PTSD.

My mom is a widow who stuck by an alcoholic for 35 years of marriage.

All while raising 5 children and obtaining an associates degree. 

I am a 27 year old daughter with 3 children who has lost her father.

I would have loved to have a father and have my children have a grandpa.

But those things will never be.

He has now passed.

His story stinks but that alone is not the worst part.

The worst part is I am not alone.

I know their are many men and women who have fought in the past, recently, or are currently fighting who suffer with PTSD.

I know that their are mothers, fathers, sons, daughter, husbands and wives who are dealing with the effects that it has on their loved ones themselves.

I am sad that the price so many have paid for my freedom has not hit me sooner.

I am thankful for the sacrifice that has been made. I am confident my outlook on Memorial Day will be quite a bit different from today on.

The question of if my dad was a good person is still up for debate.

He is defiantly not winning father of the year any time soon.

But I have a new respect for him and all those who have fought that wasn't their before.

Thank you to all those who have sacrificed their lives for my freedom.

************************

I am also thankful the my true Father.

The One who has opened my world to sacrifice, compassion, love, forgiveness, and freedom.

It is to Him that we are all truly in debt.



  



New Adventures

I have always enjoyed taking care of people. 

If any one needs a hug, a band aid, or a blanket I'm your girl. 

I think for this reason alone I have always wanted to be a nurse. 

I have waited a long time to go to school and get a degree. 

But now is the time.
 

I have taken my entrance exam, worked out my financial aid, received my class schedule and even some pretty unattractive scrubs to wear to class. 

Starting Wednesday evening I will be a full time nursing student.
 

I am excited and honestly right now I am terrified. 

I am a full time wife. 

I am a full time mother. 

And I am a full time employee. 

Taking on this new adventure kind of makes me feel full time crazy. 

I don't know I am ready to sleep less.
Im not sure I a ready miss out on putting Jack, Lucy, or Max to bed because I am in school or working late.
I don't want to have to choose between a clinical or lab and spending time with my children.
I don't want to miss anything!
BUT...

I know that in the long run this will give me more time with them and better opportunities. 

So, with that being said.
I. Will. Succeed. 

In 3 years I will be a registered nurse. 

I will graduate collage with a Bachelors degree. 

I will be a better partner for my husband. (Once I get to sleep through the night) 

I will be a better example for my children. 

And I will be a full time employee in a job I hope to love. 

I am praying I survive this adventure.

I know Ill need

Lots of coffee.
Lots of support.

Lots of studying

Lots of prayer.
 

And hopefully Ill survive. 

So ready or not it's time for a new adventure.
Wish me luck. 

8 months

This sleepy fellow is 8 months old today.

8 months going on 3 years.

He is such a big boy all of a sudden.

He wants so badly to hang out with his brother and sister.

It seems as though each day he is learning to do something new.

From 7 months to 8 months he went from army crawling, to crawling, to pulling him self up to anything and everything and standing.

I predict he will be walking with a huge amount of pride by about 9 1/2 months old.

He is so proud of what he can do.

Matt and I on the other hand can't believe it. Especially with how much baby proofing we have had to do. Again!!

He is currently drinking formula bottles only. At first this was a hard transition but seems to be doing very well now.

He eats lots of different fruits and veggies and loves carrots and blueberries the most.

Sleep.. it is still a work in progress. This last week he has woken up 1-2 times each night which is very much an improvement from a month ago and even more so, Daddy can help now!! Yay.

Max loves his blankies at night. He is very much a Ririe in that sense.

He still only has his 2 bottom teeth. Part of me is hoping it stay this way for awhile longer because his two teeth smile is the cutest thing ever.

He is still full of smiles and has the sweetest personality ever and we love it and him.



Gratitude

Not long ago I read a story about a mother who recently lost her 3 year old son. http://www.babyboybakery.com/It was a freak accident. He was playing in his front yard and ran in the road to chase his ball, and that was it. 

He was hit by a truck passing by and died. 

Oh. my. gosh.

To imagine the pain that mother is going through makes it hard to breath.

So many prayers have gone her way.

Last Wednesday I got a taste of something I never want to experience again.

I had just gotten off work and was headed to our babysitters home to pick up the little's. 

When she called, crying.

"I want you to know everyone is okay, but we were just in a car accident and I need you here now." 

My. heart. sank.

As she told me where she was (just minutes away) I drove. I prayed. and prayed again.

She was pulled over on the side of the road in her blue-gray Expedition. 

In the middle of the road was a little red Toyota; glass shattered everywhere. 

I parked and ran to a blonde woman standing on the side of the road, on the phone crying, 

(okay so here is where the pep talk to my self comes in, "self, no matter what you find in the next couple minutes you do. and by do. I mean be Brave. No matter what you see, be Brave")

" Mam, are you okay? Your shaking, are you hurt?"

"No," she said. "I'm fine" (she kept crying, I made her sit down)

Then I noticed her car door was stuck to the front of Christy's car. I held my breath and ran to Christy. She was still sitting in her car; crying.

"Are you ok? 

Are you hurt?

 Did you call the police? 

Are the kids okay?

 Is your husband coming?"

 As I drilled her she just cried, "I love you kids, I would never hurt them."

I know.

I believed her. She is the kind of wonderful blessing only The Lord could have handpicked Himself for our family.

I know this was not her fault.

My kids...... 

 I took a huge breath and held it as I opened the back door to check on my babies.

There he was Max in the middle seat with the biggest smile you have ever seen.

 As if to scream in joy, "Mom, hey, what are you doing here. I never see you here." And Jack and Lucy in the back seat smiling, 

"Hey mom we were in a car accident, but we are fine." Jack said. 

"Are you hurt?" I asked, "Oh no we are just fine." said my Lucy.

The next moments are a blur, we prayed and thanked The Lord everyone was safe. The police showed up. The damage was assessed and information was exchanged.

The Toyota was towed away, totaled I'm sure.

Christy's husband was able to drive their car home and damage that can and will be repaired was all to come of it. 

I loaded my children in my car and started to drive home. I made it a mile or so down the road when it hit me.

All the air escaped from my lungs and I started to cry.

I could have lost them.

Oh.My.Gosh.

Matt and I's whole world was in that car.

What would I have done?

How could I breath. 

How would I be able to function if they were taken from me?

Honestly I don't know if I could.

 But I know that parents are going through losses of this nature on a daily basis.

How the do it I hope to never know. But I do know,

I know The Lord gives and He can take away. 

I know they are only my temporary gift. 

They are not mine forever, they are His

They are my temporary, amazing and beautiful gift that I could never thank Him enough for.

I never want to taste again what I did that day. 

But I am so thankful for the gratitude it has given me. 

I am so thankful for these 3 blessings Matt and I get to raise. 

I am thankful for every kiss,hug and I miss you. 

Every laugh, smile and cry. 

Every cuddle, sick day, and moment I get to take watching them sleep.

Every picture they draw or moment the learn something new. 

I am thankful for how much they make me love their Papa.

And how much closer I have become to The Lord because of them.

I pray that I never take them for granted and or waste a single moment The Lord has given me being their Mommy. 

Thank you!